Losing Heaven

There are whales in the sea and giraffes in Africa. The sun will rise in the morning and the moon can be seen at night. The trees produce oxygen so that we can breathe. We need water and food to survive. We need shelter to stay warm and dry, and we need sleep to allow our bodies to rest. If we touch fire it will hurt. If we fall off a cliff we will probably die. When we die we go to Heaven.

Do you remember the exact moments you learned about the facts of life? Do you remember learning about the planet called ‘Earth’? I don’t, but somehow I have always just known about it. Well, of course I’m not claiming that I was born omniscient, I was obviously taught about life and the planet as a child, but this knowledge has always been in my consciousness as far back as I can remember.

Some of you reading this may not have been taught about the fact of Heaven though. Unless your pet died when you were a kid and you asked your parents where ‘Fluffy’s’ gone. Maybe you were told about that ‘better place called Heaven’ then, but did you really take it to heart, and know without a doubt that Heaven and its angels were just as real as Africa and its giraffes? Did you know for certainty that Heaven is the human race’s next destination? I did. All the grown-ups said so too.

The fact of Heaven was as deep-seated into my psyche as the knowledge that birds fly. This is what happens to young minds when they are moulded by religious notions. I couldn’t possibly form my own opinion of the afterlife when the seed was planted in my infancy, nurtured in my youth, and took root while I was an adult. What chance did I really have of thinking any differently?

As a kid I wasn’t mocked for believing in Heaven. I guess even the non-religious kids were being told about Heaven too because the alternative was far too depressing for little ones to have to worry about. We didn’t really hear about that other place down south either. You know the one, right? I heard it’s scorching hot all year round due to this gargantuan lake of fire and brimstone running through the place. What a sight! Bring a camera. Apparently it also has better music.

Hell no! (Pun) No one wanted to talk about Hell or ruin someone else’s peace of mind by downplaying the concept of heaven. I mean, even adults who usually think Elohim is as real as Thor, will say to those in mourning, ‘they’re in a better place now’. If I had to hazard a guess I’d say they are referring to Heaven, because it would be savagely inappropriate to mean a wooden box, or a crematorium. Unless they are existential nihilists, but come on, that’s just bad taste.  

We all need to take comfort from where we can, and I would never try and take that away from anyone. I tend to think whatever gets us through the pain can’t be bad. We need hope. We need help processing our grief.

As a young man I had all the faith and hope imaginable. I knew Heaven existed! I prayed to God that when my time came, I would get there, and if I did, well, the euphoria would be indescribable.

There is no actual evidence of Heaven, but I had the Holy Scriptures and visions from prophets to aid my imagination of that paradisiacal realm. In Mormonism, the highest degree of glory that one can attain is exaltation in the Celestial Kingdom. That was to be my final destination after I was resurrected.

Let’s pretend for a moment that I haven’t left the Church, or written a book detailing my experiences, which has evidently ruffled some feathers. For the sake of this story, let’s say I’m still in La La Land. (Not the movie, I’m a terrible dancer).

***

I’ve died. 

Let’s hope peacefully in my sleep, but then again, as this is fictional let’s say that I was last seen wrestling with a 20 foot crocodile while trying to save a baby zebra in the Nile.

It didn’t go well, so walk through the veil with me.

As the baby zebra scurries up the river bank to safety, my body is dragged down into the murky water by the croc’s powerful, unrelenting jaws. I had put on a bit of weight in later years, so at least it was of some use in the end.

Now in spirit form, I’m not too worried about crocodile teeth. Sure it was an epic way to go out. I’ll definitely re-tell that story around a campfire in heaven sometime, but for now I am enjoying feeling weightless as I gently float through a brilliant white mist. I guess this is the veil I kept hearing about back on Earth? It really did blind us from seeing into the spiritual world. Now I have new eyes. I can see things with much more clarity and depth. How long have I been suspended in this white space for? Time doesn’t seem to exist here. I feel calm, at peace, and dare I say, at home. I’ve always wanted to fly. I’m not striking a Superman pose or anything; I’m just kind of drifting into white space. I could stay here forever. This will do just fine.

Time isn’t relevant to me anymore, but during this spiritual flight my consciousness becomes aware of others also drifting through the whiteness. I feel their presence but I don’t need to talk to them. I don’t need any reassurance. I’m not afraid here. We are all on our own mesmerising journey into the unknown.

As I stare into the brightness before me, faces begin to appear. Suddenly, but not alarmingly, someone is close to me. They are wearing a white gown, a warm smile, and a hand is outstretched towards me. I take his hand and I find myself taken out of the white nothingness. I’m in a new plain of existence now; it’s more tangible here. The man shakes my hand and offers an embrace. He seems familiar to me, like someone I have always known, but all I assume for now is that he is probably an angel. Are we communicating? I can’t tell if we are speaking telepathically or out loud? I feel like I have a touch of spiritual jet lag so I’m not too sure now about what is happening. I still feel peaceful though and I was definitely descending upwards. I couldn’t hear rock n’ roll either, so I think I’m safe from ending up lodging with my fallen brother, Lucifer.

A golden path in the clouds takes me towards Heaven’s pearly gates. They are colossal and guarded by angels wielding fiery swords. The guardians smile and welcome us through. Apparently you don’t need to show any ID here. When I get through to the other side I am greeted by my family and friends who arrived before me. There’s a lot of hugging, tears, and laughter. Our reunion is finally completed when I’m greeted by family dogs which we lost on Earth. They absolutely love the new white grasslands. As I throw a ball (which resembles a golden snitch) for them I can’t help but wonder if they know not to pee up the pearly gates.

My family show me my new mansion. I’ve been a good and faithful servant apparently, and this is my reward. We all have them up here. My new home is bigger than a Hollywood star’s house. What’s more is that there isn’t any mortgage or bills to pay either. I'm told in the east wing of the house there's my own recording studio with hundreds of wall-mounted guitars to use at my pleasure. A thought hits me. If James Hetfield from Metallica is up here too then I’m going to get to jam with him. Better still, we are going to write some killer tracks together, all Church standard, of course. We have eternity to do it, so I’m sure he’ll find a moment for me. I’m going to ask Lars to teach me drums too.

I find out that Kanye and Bieber’s music isn’t permitted up here, and I ask a relative if this day can get any better. I’m told it can, as I am shown my new back garden.

It’s massive and bursting with life. I can see deer running through the woods with tigers. I can see apes swinging around in the treetops. Out to the coast I can see orcas breaching in the ocean. I look left and see a lion lying down with a lamb, basking in the celestial sunlight together. There is no animosity here, just like the bible said.

Over to the right of my garden I spot a full sized football pitch. A friend tells me that Steven Gerrard practices his free-kicks there most afternoon’s and so I can join him for a kick-about sometime if I’d like. This is amazing to me! I’m also going to get the chance to give Michael Jordan a one on one aren’t I? My mind is reeling at the possibilities. I’m finally going to meet all of my earthly heroes here. I never had the chance in mortality, but here anything is possible. It’s a lot to process. As I look back towards the lion and lamb, someone tells me that we can communicate with animals here telepathically. ‘You can swim with a Great White, stroke a Leopard, and you won’t be eaten by a crocodile here’.

*Triggered*

My new neighbourhood seems perfect. No, it is perfect! We’re in Heaven! The atmosphere is electric with positive energy. There is so much love and calmness here. Everyone is in sync. I see people who I didn’t like too much in mortality and feel nothing but love for them now. I can’t wait to restore friendships and make amends with people who I fell out with. Everything is going to be okay now. I can’t wait for those I left behind to get here. They are going to love this place.

Our intelligence increases in Heaven. I see people learning how to organise matter. There’s talk that some people are advancing so much that they will end up being able to create their own worlds. Others are learning how to fly, properly fly, Superman poses and all.

After I have settled in and taken stock of this golden, white paradise, I continue to weep with my loved ones. I can’t comprehend how incredible and miraculous it is for us all to be together again. I can’t wait to hear about what they have been up to. I have so many questions, but eternity to have them answered. 

We’ll never get bored here. There’s no more pain, no suffering, no hunger, no wars, no corruption, no hate, no bigotry, no judgements, and no doubt. I now have a sure knowledge of my faith, and I am suddenly humbled.

I weep for joy, and a reverence comes over me. I remember the reason all of this is possible. Him. My older brother, who atoned for my sins, died on the cross, and overcame the sting of death. He made this happen. As He approaches me I fall silent and fall to my knees. I bow my head because I still don’t feel quite worthy to be in His presence. He asks me to stand and so I do. He puts his arms around me and we cry. He is the only one who truly knows my heart, who sees my potential. He heard all of my cries, He felt all of my pain, and He saw my unworthiness and loved me anyway. He cleansed me through His blood atonement and raised me from the watery grave. He knows me more than my family, more than my wife, and he loves me more than I can even comprehend.  

As He straightens up to look at me I continue to look down. I notice the scars in his hands from the nails that were hammered into his palms. He shows me them and I touch them lightly with my fingers. His voice is like rolling thunder when He calls me by name. I look up into His face and marvel at His glory. His countenance is like lightening, brilliant, bright, and powerful. Words cannot describe His glory. His eyes are deeper than the oceans and His beardgame is strong. He smiles at my thoughts for a brief second and then resumes reverence. He then asks me if I would like to go and see the Father.

***

That was how I imagined Heaven to be when I was an active member in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Okay, not everything about it is doctrinally sound, but my friends and I used to imagine what we hoped it would be like. We used to have conversations about what we could do there. Some Mormon prophets have stated that we mere mortals could progress to be gods in charge of our own worlds eventually. It wouldn’t just be singing praises and worshipping the Father, we could also progress and continue to grow as intelligent immortal beings.

It was comforting to think that whatever I didn’t achieve in this life, I could someday achieve in the next. God isn’t a respecter of persons, so it doesn’t matter who you are here or what you have, one day little old me will be your equal.

In the next life I would be perfected from my faults too. No more worrying, no more anxiety, no more hang-ups. How fantastic to finally shake off all of our flaws, because I’m fully aware of mine.

I have battled with anxiety for decades now. I’ve tried all kinds of treatments but ultimately self-management is how I cope. I will instinctively know what I am able to bear on a day-to-day basis. It’s not an ideal way for me to live, but it keeps the monster in its cave.

Sometimes anxiety has limited my growth. I’ve had opportunities to further myself, earn more money, meet new people, visit new places, but I’ve missed out because I chose to save myself from the anxiety that would accompany it all instead.

Occasionally I find myself lost in a fog of irrational thought. I will conjure up everything I am afraid of happening to me or those around me. I worry about people getting cancer, I worry about people dying, and I even stress out about my dogs getting older. I know that I will cope badly in these situations, so in some sick way I start preparing myself for the worst.

I’m shy, but in a social situation I will act confident so that no one will catch my weakness. When I get home I feel exhausted, like I’ve just been performing on stage in the West End. If we’ve ever had a conversation then there’s a good chance I’ve gone to bed thinking about it. Why did I say that? I bet they think such and such.

If I imagine you don’t like me, then I’ll save you the trouble of being around me and cut you out of my life without even asking you. It’s a bad defensive mechanism, I know.

My anxiety is also in direct conflict with my passions. I love to draw, to sing, to play guitar, and to write. I have a burning desire to create, so I indulge myself, and then like Victor Frankenstein, I loathe my creation. Sometimes I will even post on social media and then regret it. I will probably post this and then wish I hadn’t. I’ve never read or really looked through a book I have had published, I keep my art in a folder I never look at, and I never re-watch my music videos when I’ve uploaded them to social media.

It’s draining and when the monster goes back to the cave his pal depression comes out for the scraps. What am I doing in life? Where am I going? What happens next? Is it all meaningless? At my lowest I’ve pictured myself hanging, or walking into a train, but I could never do that to the people I love, so instead I hope someone launches a missile and nukes me into oblivion.

The good thing for me about hitting rock bottom is that I then start to ascend back up until I feel like myself again. I’m sorry that all of this sounds heavy, maybe melodramatic, but someone reading this has felt the same. Someone might be glad I'm admitting this. 

I don’t care about how I look to people anymore. I’m 36 and I’m bored of pretending I don’t have battles. Take me or leave me, I’m still going to be the same either way. 

It's not easy to talk about mental health. I sometimes wonder if I would still have these issues had I not been damaged by religion. Did all those years of feeling guilty and ashamed have an affect on the way I see myself today? Probably.

Heaven would have given me a second chance though. To have an existence where I’m not anxious Chris anymore, I could be who God intended me to be all along. I could accomplish whatever I wanted in His Kingdom.

Hopefully though I wouldn't do what I do now with my art or music. Ah that world I've created is shit, I can't even look at it. I'd be a crap god. Hey, maybe that's why we never hear from God? He's like me and hates His work too.

Why am I telling you all this? I guess so you can better understand where I’m coming from before reading my new book. I’ve been getting some flak for ‘Brainwashed and Anointed’, and I think people are mistaking me for some bitter, angry, atheist, who just wants to destroy other peoples happiness because my experience with religion was bad. Even non-Mormons are getting offended because I no longer believe in God or a heaven.

Do you think deep down I really want there to be no heaven after what I have just described I had hoped it to be? It doesn’t bring me any joy, in fact, it’s quite sad to lose heaven and to be in a position where I don’t have a single clue what happens next. There’s no evidence to say there even is anything else. Feelings and ancient books aren’t enough for me anymore. Sometimes I miss my ignorance, but I’m also glad that at least I live with reality now. It’s a relief for me to have escaped religious conditioning. 

Having said that I’m still processing everything and it will take time. It hasn’t been easy to let go of things that I once viewed as ‘fact’, but it never was ‘fact’ to begin with, it was a concept indoctrinated into me by other people who had been indoctrinated themselves. I can’t quite tell if the concept of heaven is actually kind or cruel. It's wonderful if the bubble doesn't burst. Losing that belief is frightening. 

Why can't I just accept death as a fact of life though? The odds of me even being on this rock with the chance to live one life should be enough. How selfish of me to want another one. Maybe I would just take life for what it is had I not been promised a Celestial Kingdom? 

In the future will people view our concepts of heaven the way we view Olympus or Asgard? 

I know some of you reading this have different philosophies and thoughts about it. I know people who believe in an afterlife, Mormon heaven, another kind of heaven, I know people who believe in ghosts and have their own intuitions and spiritual beliefs, but on a purely selfish level, none of that helps me. If I take your word for your experiences or feelings, I may as well just believe that two Gods appeared to a fourteen year old Joseph Smith in the woods. I respect your opinions and experiences, I wouldn’t dare say you are wrong or delusional, but until I know for myself I just can’t rely on them as fact.

All I know for sure now is that there are whales in the sea and giraffes in Africa. The sun will rise in the morning and the moon can be seen at night. The trees produce oxygen so that we can breathe. We need water and food to survive. We need shelter to stay warm and dry, and we need sleep to allow our bodies to rest. If we touch fire it will hurt. If we fall off a cliff we will probably die. When we die we go. 

I don’t want to leave on a hopeless note, so I will end with this; Love transcends death. I know that for certain. 

Available 28 December 2017

www.fonthillmedia.com